Sony Working on More Shitty Spidey Spinoffs


Original image via Badass Digest

Original image via Badass Digest

Unsatisfied with their upcoming possibly shitty Sinister Six movie, Sony has decided to up the shitty Spider-Man spinoff ante. Deadline has reported that the studio is working on some sort of female superhero movie and a Venom solo movie called Venom Carnage. Dumb title, unless the movie is in the vein of Reefer Madness and they’re taking a hard look at the carnage caused by venom.

Single Female Superhero

Let’s start with the female solo movie. My vote is for zombie Gwen Stacy, mostly because I’m kind of in love with Emma Stone and may have stolen a trash can from her house in a desperate bid to get closer to her. More realistically, we’re looking at either Black Cat, Spider-Woman, or Silver Sable. The Deadline piece mentions Stunner, but no one knows who Stunner is. I barely know who Stunner is, and I read a number of comics that featured the character. Let’s go ahead and eliminate Silver Sable too, because that’s another bizarre choice. She’s some mercenary with white hair and no one caaaaaares.

Spider-Woman is an intriguing possibility. Jessica Drew has roots in the spy community and a double agent. She also has a different power set than Spider-Man, like pheromones and shooting bio-energy and all kinds of stuff. Yeah! If the studio could commit to a cool superhero spy movie like that with a morally grey character, then they could make a fantastic film. Sony would probably just make her Spider-Man with boobs and call it a day.

Black Cat is your most likely candidate. Sure, she’s a blatant ripoff of Catwoman, but she’s not just Spider-Man with boobs. Black Cat is a thief, and a former lover of Spider-Man. Sometimes she’s good, sometimes she’s bad, who knows how she’s gonna feel on a given day? Black Cat could be part of a fun heist movie, although I’d love to see Spider-Man dragged into it somehow. A large part of the character’s appeal is in how aggressive and flirtatious she is towards Spidey. There’s a fun dynamic there that I’d hate to lose.

Apparently Felicity Jones played Felicia Hardy in The Amazing Spider-Man 2, which I still have not seen. So there’s your Black Cat, Felicity Jones fans.

 

Eat-Pray-Love-Venom-Carnage

A Venom and Carnage movie that comes out before Spider-Man has any interaction with the symbiote makes very little sense. But, people are still scarred from the character being shoehorned into Sam Raimi’s third film, so why not just put him in his own feature!

For those of you that desperately miss holofoil covers and the 90s, Carnage is supposedly going to be in this film too. Remember Maximum Carnage? It was both a dumb storyline AND a Sega Genesis game! The one dimensional serial killer goes hand in hand with the epitome of 90s antiheroes.

Can an interesting movie be made out of these two? No, probably not. An interesting angle might involve Venom as Eddie Brock, who was once an actual fictional journalist, tracking down Cletus Kasady as he goes on a killing spree. I’m sure that it will involve little more than CGI symbiotes punching each other through buildings and screaming at each other. I can’t believe I’m bored with things getting punched through buildings. What is wrong with me?

I still want to see Kiefer Sutherland play Eddie Brock/Venom and Jake Busey play Cletus Kasady/Carnage. Is that too much to ask for? The world has told me that it is.

Steve Jacot

I'm from Philadelphia but only throw a handful of batteries at hapless strangers a year. You probably know my sarcasm and dopiness from following me on Twitter.

I specialize in TV, movies, and the nerdy side of things on Untied, regularly posting about Game of Thrones, Mad Men, Star Wars, and the comic book movie of the moment.

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