An Open Letter to the Cleveland Browns


Will you hurry up and sleep with me already?

Let’s distill the news that came from ESPN Radio yesterday:

  1. Johnny Manziel kept sliding down the NFL draft board
  2. The Cleveland Browns, who have an awesome history of drafting quarterbacks, were interested in Johnny Football.
  3. Dowell Loggains, the Browns’ head coach received a text from Manziel that said “I wish you guys would come get me. Hurry up and draft me because I want to be there. I want to wreck this league together.”
  4. Loggains was all like, “He likes us too!” and gushingly shared the news with the team’s majority owner, Jimmy Haslam.
  5. Haslam giddy gave Loggains the green light to pass Manziel a “Will U B mine?” note.
  6. They lived happily ever after.

Given these circumstances, I believe that the Browns need to hire an outside consultant who can work remotely for a ridiculous salary on his own time. Sooo… hurry up and hire me because I want to stay here and get rich. I want to wreck this league together.